So I come in by 11pm, take a cold shower, cook, eat, relax for a while and alas, I remembered I posted an article on the very sophisticated Linda Ikeji’s blog, it was about time to read (and unread) the comments.
Nna mehn, I never believed our country’s educational system was THIS bad, I could tell that some drama queens, (even if you’re married – or you believe you are) are so embittered with the hardness of life in their lives, I feel so sorry for you, with all the hate you put that small spaghetti-like muscle of an energy into missing the point, how then can you have a life with a man?
Can’t you see you need to be cheated on!?
If as a woman, you’re going thru pain now cos of my last post, it’s either you
were blinded by infatuation or the elders in your community rushed you to marry
or you’re just that bad in picking your man. *Yoruba sigh*
I will be as precise as I can be
so as to break it down for y’all, this is my second time posting an article on
this “single ladies vs married ladies” ish where both parties joined forces to
put us men in the centre and as the nucleus of their confused minds. I read the
comments and I was convinced that it’s either the angry girls could either
relate or they were just proving how empty their skulls were. I am in my 30’s –
true, unmarried BUT NOT SINGLE. You might be wearing a wedding ring – or not,
live in the same four walls of your house with yo hubby but that does not make
you married? (Your first flop for not thinking about that and a reason why you
must be cheated on) and by the way, getting married isn’t by age.
My CEO status has nothing to do
with your hate, I call the shots, I ain’t gonna be at work today, CEO’s here
know what I’m talking about…just relax you hear? Na turn by turn, or maybe
never in your case with this attitude.
I laughed out so loud, I could
swear I heard myself fart, some of you girls and some boys aka live mannequins
are so hilarious, your hate was supposed to be filled with hate, not comedy
skits. Anyway, let’s get into it, shall we?
Because I’m not married doesn’t
mean I don’t have the excerpts of the views of the married folk hence, I have
them as friends, I witness the ups and downs of their married lives and I see
so much I wish I didn’t. I’m not perfect, neither do I have all the answers to
why we (as men) do the things that we do and in all honesty, WE DON’T CARE
either, the problem is that you do. You don’t have to be a super woman to make
us not cheat, I agree that if a man wants to cheat, he’ll cheat but here’s what
you don’t know – you give us that room to do so. Ladies, we are 5 seconds
behind your 6th sense, a lot of us aren’t brilliant to spice up a
relationship, too much of the same thing becomes boring at some point hence,
cheating might just be our way out of the boredom.
My article yesterday was based on
experiences and observations of what I have seen and been through. Whether you
like it or not, we men will cheat on you, just like how you ladies will cheat
on us, the problem is not ‘the cheating’, it is the rate at which it is done,
we can afford to sleep with fifty women in a month and feel like champions, to
us, it is a feat, we are wired that way, we love fruit salads but you ladies
can’t try it (or maybe some of you can), the maximum number of men you can
sleep with in one month (if you are in a relationship already) will not be more
than five, why? Guilt and emotions, you ladies don’t want to be tied to the
word ‘sluts’. The painful part is that you felt you were smart when you were in
your teens, you reject our innocent nerdy ways and go for the so called “big
boys” only for you to reach 29 now and then become very serious and state your
specs on your ideal man, no sweethearts, karma has introduced intercontinental
options as the new menu.
Do you think we enjoy the fact
that you give out your numbers to a total stranger you met at a supermarket all
cos he made you laugh, no honey, we get hurt by that move, so a rich man gives
you a lift and drops 50k and instantly, you’re in love? You compare us with
your bff’s guy and how he bought her this and that or…or…or…is it the fact that
you nag at us (I hate that but I love the look on your faces tho’ especially
when you’re angry - epic) or we take you out for lunch and catch you checking
another dude out via your small mirror of your make up kit…….my point is this,
we didn’t just wake up to cheat on you, you triggered something in us to do so.
Do you think we can’t be your kanye? If I grab a full scoop of your juicy
bouncy behind in public and you get mad at me, guess what? Amma start thinking
of ‘the other woman’, just cos guys swoon over you doesn’t mean we don’t have
some numbers on speed dial. So, here are my views on how to fight urges of
cheating, I hope this helps some people.
HOW TO FIGHT
THE URGE – MEN
1.
Get her best pictures all over you, her passport
in your wallet, her faces as wall papers and screen savers on all your gadgets,
hard copy prints in frames and place them in your office and home, surprise her
one day by putting a large 10 x 10 banner of just her and use it as a wall
piece hanging in your home. I guarantee that you’ll have this kinda smile on
you whenever you stroll past that part of the house. She in return will caution
herself (unless you’re dating a serial psycho cheat) when she is being flirted
at, she won’t want to lose you cos guys like you with these gestures are hard
to find.
2.
Learn how to cook, asides that, make out time
like twice every week to go eat out, it doesn’t have to be a restaurant, Mr
Biggs will do just fine and if she complains cos you cut your coat to your
size, guy, go get yourself a regular dolapo or damilola or gift…..and enjoy
your life.
3.
Chocolates, dude, that ish works like magic. Get
Maltesers, or Cadbury bars with them nuts, Bounty too is nice then get a large
bucket from Coldstone creamery and store in your fridge. Caution her ration so
she doesn’t get fat unless, she’s ready to lose weight in the bedroom.
4.
Take everyday as if you’re just meeting with her
for the first time, forcefully develop that cheating urge (FOCUS ON HER ALONE)
to sweep her off her feet. Send her romantic texts by 5am right just before she
wakes up (trust me, this part is very hard but the more you do so, the more
likely it’ll be a part of you)
5.
Use her pix as your dp (for no reason, you don’t
have to write anything on your pm), leave that for 2 days max
6.
Send her airtime, even if its N100, its not
about the airtime but the motive for doing so
7.
Talk to her about the future with her in it and
while doing so, remind her on why you feel blessed that she chose you, whenever
she gets the chance to speak, interrupt her with the words I LOVE YOU then ask
her to carry on, if she remembers where she stopped at her speech, guy, she
doesn’t love you to that point.
8.
Sex, sex, great sex, we don’t cheat cos we want
to discuss world hunger with the other woman, we fantasize a whirlwind of bed
Olympics, guys, even though we love sex as much as the ladies do, please, up
your sex game, ladies don’t like a one minute man, if you masturbate, nna,
stop, that’s why you don’t last in bed, delete all your porn stash, call her,
talk dirty, let her abuse you but continue, tell her how horny you get when you
wake up without her, these ladies are not animals na, they understand this part
of us very well. Foreplay is also a key factor, don’t just strip her and get
into the main course, explore her inside out, munch that kitty-kat with
happiness (you’ll enjoy this if she keeps it clean), slurp on that area till
you see your reflection (ladies? Shave is the new ‘turn-on’) Go for the
butt-hole too at random, spend at least 7minutes slurping and making her see
her ancestors (if you’re done and she has a straight face, oh boy, speed dial
the next chic) then when you’re in there, try lots of positions and make it
last, be sure to always think about her while doing this and chances are that
she’ll be on your case everyday (well maybe not everyday but you get the
point). Understand that you’re not banging her to just cum, you’re trying to
understand her sexual appetite, don’t be asking if this or that hurts, let her
tell you herself, dominate her, pull her hair gently but with a little bit of
aggression, tap her behind, touch her in sensitive areas while at it, kiss her
in the mix, you’ll be amazed by the time you do 21 rounds within a day. Yes, I
know this.
HOW TO FIGHT
THE URGE – WOMEN
1. Same
as 1, 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8 but here’s an added twist to it. As for the food, if you
don’t know how to cook, learn please, not rice oo, I’m talking about soups and
local native ‘smash hit’ delicacies, you’ll be surprised at how he licks up the
plate. Also, be creative in the kitchen, scream his name so loud as if you saw
a snake, when he shows up, tell him to taste this and ask for his opinion, if
he loves it, kiss him and ask him ‘how about this?’ When food is ready, watch
him eat and smile while at it, not that kinda smile that’ll make him think the
food is poisoned oo, a kinda innocent but lustful look.
2. Ladies,
gush about your man on social media once in a while, start light so people
don’t really notice who you’re talking about except him, if he doesn’t return
the gesture, that’s your cue right there.
3. You
know those phone calls we hate when you pick the phone and use a different tone
or you excuse yourself or you talk like it’s a girl you’re talking to when we
know its ‘him’, STOPEEEET.
4. Give
us that bomb sex we didn’t even see coming, blow jobs are compulsory 4 unit
courses, treat that stick like a legend and be flexible in most of this
exercise, don’t look surprised when he thinks he’s done after round 2, blow job
his brains out, even with your cum, make it drip, make it nasty (my friend,
stop looking at your screen with that ‘eeeew’ look), you don’t want us to cheat
ba? Then woju oo. Ladies, just like how money makes most of you stay in a
relationship, good ass bomb sex does the same to us, some of us don’t know that
when we kiss you standing up, you want us to give your bum a good ass soft
squeeze. Guys, thank me later.
Now ladies, yes I know that
irrespective of this, we tend to still cheat, if your man cheats after all of
this, 2 things are involved, either you got lazy at some point or you were just
too dumb and blinded with infatuation not to have known right from the start that
this guy is a no – no. secondly, accept the fact that he has cheated already
(even if he hasn’t) and you’ve forgiven him before the crime, do this to give
yourself less heart-ache (I’m not saying he will cheat or he has cheated) I’m
saying, love him till infinity, chances are that he will love only you no
matter what them thirsty bitches be trying to do with him. You wanna know a
bitter truth? We, the men are dumb most of the time, we take your love for
granted sometimes, when you give us your all, some of us think we super-fly and
then flirt, do you know what to do when you nab us flirting or worse -
cheating? Nothing, do absolutely nothing, make yourself extra hot, wear them
killer heels, pick our calls but with a straight face, answer with one word answers,
if you live together, don’t smile, scoff if you must but don’t you ever raise
the issue cos we have stupid excuses to give, since you’ve caught us, let us
finish ourselves – ISIS style but whatever happens, DON’T DO THE SAME AS AN ACT
OF REVENGE. Solve your issues within a very short period of time and ask if he
loves you, if he says yes, ask “till when”? If he gives you an answer
immediately, he’s a moron, if he’s speechless, kiss him. Tell him to talk to
you about things he wants for the both of you not just him alone oo. Don’t give
him sex immediately, tell him to chill, if he complains, don’t sleep in that
same house, if he agrees to be starved, girl, turn around at 2am and give him
the sex of the year that morning.
(THIS LIST ISN’T A
WALK IN THE PARK, RELATIONSHIPS ARE VERY EASY TO START BUT HARD TO MAINTAIN).
I hope I was able to strike a
chord somewhere in you. You need to know how we are wired to do the things that
we do. I don’t expect y’all to agree with me totally, these are my views. For the ladies who agreed with me in my last
post, you’re the beautiful ones who deserve the best in a relationship, you rep
real independent women *now looks to the left* And as for those who sent hate
comments in my last post and probably will in this one too……um….
HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?
THEN WHY ARE YOU HATING?
Thank you for reading, enjoy your day,
Richard.
0 comments:
Post a Comment